The 6-Week Expat Crash: Expat Child Struggles when the Excitement Wears Off

Dear Subscriber,

Just before you wonder if I really disappeared from the face of the earth, I am here to let you know I am back and Between Mind & Heart will continue to provide you with valuable insights, guidance and tips on all things supporting expat kids and teens!

A parent recently said to me: "We made this move so that our child could be happier, free from hours of homework, free from crime and living behind fenced walls, but now all she wants to do is return to her home country, saying she wishes we never moved to this country." Many of my clients come for therapy as they are expat kids or teens who rode the exciting 6-week wave of being in the new country, trying out everything that is novel, bright and sparkly and then the dust settles... 

Expat children often struggle to "land" psychologically in their new home country.

They start missing family and friends back home dearly.

They wish they could just go back.

They find ways to stay emotionally connected to home by gaming with friends back home, asking to video call often, scrolling through old photos, or bringing up memories from home again and again.

Yes, what you are witnessing is what I'd like to call the 6-Week Expat Crash. 

What might look to parents like a child who is ungrateful, not able to see the bigger picture, could be a child who is finding it incredibly challenging to wrap their heads around the fact this new country is now expected to become part of their idea of home — even while another part of them still belongs somewhere else." On a psychological level, this can cause a lot of disruption like: The sudden reformation of a teen's identity, the spark of deep loneliness as a child has to make friends from scratch or finding a sense of belonging in a place that does not yet feel like home at all.

Supporting expat kids and teens in a constructive manner once the 6-Week Crash hits, is what can make this transition into the coming months and years more manageable. Understanding that your child's identity and sense of belonging will most likely be challenged during the coming months, can give you the insight to respond to them with empathy and understanding. Reminding yourself that your child’s strong attachment to what they left behind is not something to rush or dismiss. With enough safety, connection, and time, it can slowly make space for new attachments too if you give them the space to remain connected with friends and family back home, but also gently motivate them to make new connections in the new country they find themselves in.

Here is a helpful 6-Week versus 6-Month Checklist guide to help you discern between expected versus worrisome behaviour at 6 weeks and 6 months after your international move:

1-6 Weeks: 

• A sense of novelty, excitement, tourist energy, “this is fun”.

Around 6 weeks onward: The emotional reality begins to land.

• Younger children might show an increase in separation anxiety or more clingy behaviour.

• Children and teens make more reference to home, talking about how much they miss school, family or friends. 

• Teens might show resistant behaviour such as not wanting to go to school or not wanting to spend time with family. They might also already talk about plans to visit home to be with friends. 

6 Months: 

Ideally we want to see children and teens slowly integrate into their new schools and communities. This would be evident in emerging friendships, involvement in extra-curricular activities and a general shift in focus from wanting to connect virtually with friends and family back home on a very frequent basis to a more infrequent basis. 

These might be some signs that gradual integration isn't happening:

• Withdrawal from family activities or emerging friendships at school.

• Desire to constantly communicate with family or friends back home.

• Increase in anxiety-related symptoms.

• Decline in academic performance.

• Moments of emotion dysregulation in which a child/teen struggles to cope with big emotions (potentially related to the move).

What to say to your child when the 6-week crash hits:

Instead of: “But we moved here for you.” Try: “I can hear how much you miss home. It makes sense that part of you wishes we could go back.”

Instead of: “You need to make new friends.” Try: “Making new friends from scratch is exhausting. Let’s think of one small step, not the whole mountain.”

Instead of: “You’ll get used to it.” Try: “You don’t have to love it here yet. We can take this one week at a time.”

Having parents respond with warm, empathy and understanding can be of wonderful value to an expat child or teen who is on a journey of merging their identities and settling into a new country. It can help them tap into their innate ability to become a well-adapted, happy expat kid or teen.

If you are unsure whether your child’s response is part of normal adjustment or a sign that they may need more support, you are welcome to book a free Discovery Call. We can think together about what you are seeing and what kind of support may be helpful.

Until next time!

Megan