“I Hate it Here”: Understanding Homesickness, Grief and Low Mood in Expat Children

Dear Reader,

So many parents who meet with me for the initial Discovery Call to talk about the support their child needs, they'll say something like:

“My child keeps saying they hate it here.”

“Everything was better back home.”

“They only focus on what they miss.”

“They refuse to see anything good about this country.”

“It feels like they are stuck.”

For many expat parents, this can be incredibly painful to hear, especially when the move was made with the hope of offering their child more safety, opportunity or quality of life. But when an expat child keeps focusing on everything they miss, everything that feels wrong, and everything that was “better back home,” this is not always simply negativity. Sometimes it is a sign that the child has not yet emotionally landed.

When a child moves countries, their body may arrive long before their heart, identity and nervous system do. They may be physically present in the new country, attending the new school, living in the new home and following the new routine, but emotionally, they may still be reaching back for the life that felt familiar.

An expat child who has not fully landed may:

• compare everything to the previous country

• focus mainly on what is wrong with the new country

• idealise the old home

• resist new friendships or activities

• say they want to go back

• seem irritable, withdrawn or flat

• lose interest in things they usually enjoy

• become more tearful, angry, anxious or tired

• struggle to imagine a future in the new place

  
  

Many parents can feel frustrated because the child seems ungrateful; unaware of this amazing opportunity to live abroad. Children do not always say, “I am grieving my old life.”They may say: “This school is stupid.” “The food is weird.” “People here are boring.” “I had better friends back home.” “I wish we never moved.”

Underneath these comments may be a much softer truth: “I miss feeling known.” “I miss knowing where I belong.” “I miss the version of myself I was there.” “I do not know how to become myself here yet.”

For some children, ongoing homesickness and difficulty adjusting can begin to affect their mood more deeply.

Parents and professionals may start noticing:

• persistent sadness or irritability

• withdrawal from family or peers

• loss of interest in activities

• low motivation

• sleep or appetite changes

• frequent tearfulness

• hopeless comments such as “nothing will ever get better”

• school refusal or declining school engagement

• increased sensitivity, anger or emotional outbursts

• statements such as “I do not belong anywhere”

  
  

Not every child who misses home is necessarily depressed. Homesickness, sadness and frustration can be normal parts of relocation. But when low mood becomes persistent, starts affecting daily functioning, or is accompanied by hopelessness or withdrawal, the child may need more structured support.

Many parents wonder why their expat children get "stuck" in the first place. Possible reasons could be:

Familiarity feels safer than novelty.

The previous country may not have been perfect, but it was known. The nervous system often prefers what is familiar over what is new.

The child may not have chosen the move.

Even when the move was necessary or beneficial, children often experience it as something that happened to them.

The old life may become idealised.

When children are distressed, they may remember the previous country through a selective lens: the friends, freedom, routines and places they miss most.

The new country may represent loss.

Every “bad” thing about the new country may become a symbol of what they lost.

Belonging takes time.

A child cannot simply decide to feel at home. Belonging is built through repeated experiences of safety, connection and familiarity.

The next time your expat child expresses their negative feelings or thoughts toward your recent move, consider saying the following:

“I can hear how much you miss home."

 "It makes sense that this place does not feel like yours yet.”

“You do not have to love it here today.”

“We can miss our old life and still slowly build something here.”

“I wonder if saying ‘I hate it here’ is your way of saying, ‘I feel lost.’”

The goal is not to convince your child that the new country is wonderful. The goal is to help your child hold two truths at the same time:

“I miss home.” “I can slowly build belonging here.”

“This is hard.” “I am not alone in it.”

“I did not choose all of this.” “I can still find small places of control.”

If your child is struggling to settle after an international move, therapy can help them process what they have lost, understand what they are feeling, and slowly begin to feel more calm, connected and rooted again.

Warm regards,

Megan