3 Common Mistakes Expat Parents Make (Without even Realising it)
Why your best intentions might unintentionally add pressure to your child's adjustment abroad; and what to do instead.
Moving abroad with children often comes with a mixture of excitement, hope, uncertainty, and, sometimes, guilt. As parents, we want to believe that the decision to move will open doors for our children: new experiences, new friendships, new opportunities, and perhaps a different quality of life.
And because we want so badly for our children to be happy, we naturally become invested in helping them settle into their new environment. We ask about friendships. We encourage them to look on the bright side. We remind them of all the wonderful opportunities that come with living abroad. All of this comes from a place of love.
But what if some of the things we say with the best intentions are unintentionally making our children's adjustment more difficult?
Through my work supporting internationally mobile children, teenagers, and their parents, I've noticed three common patterns that are worth reflecting on. Not because parents are doing something wrong, but because sometimes a small shift in the way we respond can make a meaningful difference in how supported our children feel.
1. Asking about friendships before your child has found their feet
"Have you made any friends yet?"
It's probably one of the most common questions expat parents ask their children after starting at a new school, and understandably so.
We know that friendships play an important role in helping children develop a sense of belonging. When our child makes friends, we breathe a little easier. It's reassuring to know they're beginning to find their place. Have you considered what this question might feel like from your child's perspective?
They may already be navigating an unfamiliar school system, different social norms, new teachers, and a classroom full of children who have established friendships. And now, even at home, they're being reminded that making friends is something they should have achieved. For a child who is struggling socially, a well-intentioned question can unintentionally feel like another expectation they haven't yet met.
What can you do differently?
Instead of focusing on whether your child has made friends, become curious about their social world. Try asking:
"What are the children in your classroom like?"
"What are you looking for in a friendship this year?"
"Did you meet anyone interesting at school today?"
These questions invite conversation without making friendship feel like a deadline. They also communicate something important: I'm interested in your experience, not just your progress.
2. Trying to make difficult feelings disappear
One thing I frequently hear from parents is: "I didn't grow up in a family where we spoke about feelings."
For many adults, emotions weren't openly discussed during childhood. Perhaps sadness was met with reassurance to stop crying. Anger was discouraged. Fear was minimised. Difficult feelings were something to move past rather than explore. Fast-forward to parenthood, and suddenly we're expected to help our children navigate big emotions that we may never have learned to understand ourselves.
dd an international move into the equation, and those emotions can become particularly complicated.
Your child might say:"I hate it here. I wish we'd never moved."
For a parent who has invested enormous emotional, financial, and practical resources into creating a new life abroad, hearing these words can be incredibly difficult.
You might instinctively respond with:
"But you've got such a lovely new school!"
"Give it some time. You'll make friends."
"Don't be sad. We'll visit everyone soon."
These responses are usually attempts to reassure our children. Yet they can unintentionally communicate that their uncomfortable emotions need to change.
What can you do differently?
Before offering reassurance, try making space for the emotion. You might say:
"I can hear how sad you are and how much you miss home. Would you like to tell me more about it?"
"It's okay to miss your friends and family. I sometimes miss them too."
"It sounds like today was particularly difficult. I'm here to listen."
From a nervous system perspective, feeling emotionally understood can help children experience greater relational safety during stressful moments. When a child experiences emotional distress, their immediate need may not be a solution. It may simply be to feel that their experience makes sense to someone else.
Validation doesn't mean agreeing with everything your child says. It means acknowledging that their feelings are real and understandable.
3. Encouraging gratitude without making room for grief
An international move can be a wonderful opportunity for a family.Perhaps you've moved for career opportunities, a different lifestyle, greater safety, or simply the adventure of experiencing life somewhere new. There may be so much to appreciate, yet one of the challenges I see in expat families is the tension between encouraging children to recognise these opportunities and allowing them to grieve what they've left behind.
We want our children to be grateful. We want them to embrace their new surroundings.We want them to see the possibilities rather than focus on what's missing. But sometimes, in our efforts to encourage a positive mindset, we unintentionally leave little room for the more complicated emotions that accompany an international move.
Here's something I often remind parents:
Gratitude and sadness can coexist.
Gratitude and longing can coexist.
Gratitude and grief can coexist.
Your child can enjoy their new school and still desperately miss their old friends. They can love exploring a new country and still wish they were back home. They can feel excited about an upcoming adventure and sad about missing a family celebration. These feelings are not contradictions. They are part of the complexity of being human, particularly when navigating a significant life transition.
When children feel pressured to be grateful, they may begin to believe that their sadness is unreasonable or that expressing it will disappoint their parents.
Over time, some children may become less inclined to share what they're experiencing.
What can you do differently?
Instead of encouraging gratitude as a replacement for sadness, help your child understand that both feelings can exist together. Try saying:
"I can see that living in this new country feels really hard right now. I'm here with you while we figure it out together."
"It's okay to really miss home. You don't have to feel positive about our move all the time."
"We can appreciate the opportunities we have here and still feel sad about the people and places we've left behind."
This approach doesn't discourage resilience or optimism.
Your child's adjustment isn't a race
Perhaps one of the most important things to remember as an expat parent is that your child's adjustment will not necessarily follow the timeline you imagined. Some children appear to settle in almost immediately, only to experience homesickness several weeks or months later. Others struggle intensely at first and gradually find their footing. Some move between feeling excited, frustrated, connected, and lonely, sometimes all within the same day.
Adjustment is rarely linear. As parents, we naturally look for signs that our children are doing well. We want to know they're making friends, enjoying school, and beginning to feel at home. But sometimes, in our eagerness to see those signs, we lose sight of something equally important:
Our children don't always need us to accelerate their adjustment. They need us to accompany them through it.
That might mean listening when they miss their old life, allowing friendships to develop in their own time, or recognising that their sadness doesn't mean the move was a mistake. It means creating a home environment where children don't have to pretend they're okay to protect their parents from worry. And it means remembering that you, too, are navigating a transition.
You don't need to respond perfectly every time.What matters is your willingness to remain curious, connected, and open to your child's experience. Because ultimately, our goal isn't to raise children who never struggle with change. It's to help them develop the emotional resources, supportive relationships, and confidence to navigate change — knowing they don't have to do it alone.
Until the next edition,
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